Are you tired of living a good life, forsaking earthly pleasures, and not getting enough in return? Our new plan will make you say Hallelujah!

Let’s face it: Heaven isn’t what it used to be. This place is ancient and we all know it’s become overcrowded these days with how woke people have become. But you shouldn’t have to wait in line for the hot tub or struggle to find a parking space for your chariot.

Meet Heaven Premium, our newest plan for those who crave luxury above all else. Because even paradise isn't enough. With Heaven Premium, you get access to extra amenities only a saint like you deserves:

  • Your own private cloud
  • Archery classes with Cupid
  • Indoor swimming pool of atheist tears
  • Fresh cuisine made from extinct species like the dodo and unicorn
  • No more praising the Lord — He'll praise you in churches around the world
  • Personal 1-on-1 coaching sessions with Jesus instead of the monthly group Zoom call
  • Free trips back to Earth to interfere with sporting events as you see fit
  • Smite requests
  • Forgiveness for all future sins (not just prior ones)
  • Shoutout in the upcoming sequel to the Book of Revelation

Heaven Premium members enjoy access to exclusive facilities separate from the rest of Heaven. No more listening to the cherubs tuning their lyres outside your patio. You will enjoy complete serenity and fit right in with people of your stature at the Apostles Club, the most prestigious venue in Heaven's skies. Enjoy spa treatments and refreshments with your ancestors and the rest of the Illuminati. It's like Davos for the dead!

"I remember standing at the Pearly Gates looking inside and thinking, 'There's no way I'm mingling with those people.' I mean, keg stands in the courtyard? It looked like a Walmart over there. I come from money and I expect to go there too. I'm glad Heaven has a place for me. As for the rest of it, all I can say is ick."

— Former New York socialite

Some of you believers might wonder why we are offering Premium now. The fact is church attendance is down these days and money doesn’t grow on trees. Like any enterprise, we just can’t keep offering the same product for free ever since the Fed raised interest rates. We're in over our head in real estate payments and missed our chance to refinance. We’re not running a charity up here!

Our board has long thought we've been leaving money on the table, and our Premium offering is a step in the right direction. To remain viable in today's market, we've also spun our intellectual property outside of our nonprofit entity into a new for-profit arm. This means every time you hear the sound of angel trumpets, we're collecting sweet performance royalties. Heaven knows it's high time we had some cash flow.

The journey to profitability has just begun. We considered cracking down on password sharing and opening up admission to all religions and creeds, but we found a much better option for now. With a cash infusion from Satanic Ventures, we were able to open the Apostles Club and complete other renovations on our grounds, including long-overdue upgrades like pickleball courts and Apple TV+.

These fresh amenities are essential for accommodating millennials who are used to having everything handed to them with a side of avocado toast. We get it, Bailey — it's not an apartment unless it's a luxury apartment.

"I gotta be honest. When I got to Heaven, I thought it was kinda mid. Growing up, the church made it sound bomb as hell, but I made it here and none of the fountains were on. Weak sauce. I wouldn't put this place in any of my videos.

I hit up St. Peter and said, 'C'mon, dude. Is this the best you got? I had 2 million followers on Earth. This can't be all there is. I'm a VIP.'

He put something together stat and I must say it's pretty dope. Mad props, Petey. You're a real one."

— Former TikTok influencer

You really have to go the extra mile for this high-end clientele, or trust us, they'll complain for eternity.

Monetization hasn't been easy. It's true that our co-founder has been on the record saying it's easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to gain admission to the Kingdom of Heaven. Our business interests, however, required us to take that literally and build a really big needle.

camel-walking-through-needle
Money talks, baby!

We hope you'll be pleased with the upgrades we've made. Everyone can go to Heaven but not everyone can go to Heaven in style. Upgrade to Heaven Premium now and live your best afterlife.

Want on the list? Contact us via prayer for more details, and make an offering to guarantee a response, preferably in bitcoin.

Tip your bartender

Bitcoin: 36pCNvC1Gjg2JG9aqUeAY5aZvZx6tF56fC
Lightning: https://getalby.com/p/jtwoodhouse

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Welcome to the golden age of bitcoin
Where we’re going we don’t need money. No, my friends, we’re looking at immortality now.
J.T. WoodhouseJ.T. Woodhouse
WTF / Stories
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